Not a good blogger!

So a year goes and no blogging. I am pitiful...or just blame it on living a good life and not worrying.

Unfortunatly, those days are over. I had confirmation of cancer reoccurance in January and have been on chemo since March. Life is throwing me for a loop and I am doing my best to stay calm and positive. I am not ready to die. I intend to fight, fight, fight and not give up. I am realistic about the statistics and my chances, but that doesnt mean I am not the lucky 1%...someone has to be.

Hans and I are as close as ever. He really is my rock. We are such a team it makes thiss journey both more bearable and less frightening, but also so much sadder as I think what would happen to him if I died. I worry so much about him and my sister.

I got my scan results today. The tumor isnt shrinking, but it isnt growing either. There remains a slight possiblity of having a surgery to remove the tumor. I pray that it happens. A cancerous lymph node appears not to have cancer anymore, however the suspicious spot on my liver that they cant tell if it is cancer of not has grown. So I have both positive and negative news...such is life.

My sister is here and she is probably bored stiff. I am so tired that it is hard to do anything. I hope my health holds out so we can go to Germany to travel a bit. I am very glad she is here, I miss her so much.

Good days, bad days

I have been feeling a little tired and in pain recently. It feels like my upper abdomen has been punched and the soreness remains or like I have done tons of excercise. But I havent of course. Plus, I have a constant burning like heartburn and some queasiness. i emailed the doctor and I will have a scan in another 2 and a half weeks and some blood tests as well. I am worried, needless to say.

Swedish class isnt going well really. We had a practice for the national test and I didnt do so hot. URGH! So I might not be able to take the national test in June which will set me back a whole semester.

I have also injured myself just being clumsy. I feel down a flight of stone stairs. This is the second time in my life I have fallen down stairs for no reason other than the fact I cannot walk right. I twisted both my ankles, hurt my hip and scabbed my leg. I did this at the water front and I was alone and no cell phone so i ended up having to cycle home with my bleeding leg and swollen ankles. I cried all through town. I can laugh about it now, but it did really hurt. Two days later and it still hurts to put weight on my ankles.

But, the weather here is GREAT. There is no better place than Kalmar in the spring and summer. It is beautiful and all the wildflowers are out. Hans and I picnicked in grass covered with flowers. I hope to do that again soon. In a month or so, we will be able to swim in the sea!

Little small things

I havent been feeling too well inside. Nothing big, just not "right"...a little queasy and very tired and my hip hurts! Nothing big but things that worry me. I will try not to worry too much, but cancer is in the back of my mind. I am so tired. I tell Hans and my parents I feel fine, and I do, but it is the small things that pile up.

I tried to go to a job fair today. I was told the wrong time so I am still jobless and relying on Hans for everything. Hopefully that can change soon.

Hans presented his case in court today that asks for the return of the 3 weeks vacation time he had to use when he came to glasgow to be with me when I was first diagnosed. The basis for the case is that it goes against EU law to make him use vacation days instead of sick leave. We should get the results in no more that 4 weeks, and hopefully he will win as we are planning a BIG trip to the US in the fall.

Sometimes life is good

I have been around the block a bit! Since the middle of November when the cancer reoccurance scare began, I have had 6 surgeries and PET/CT, MRI, CT scans and xrays. I have had blood test, tissue tests and serum tests. Well I am pleased and very happy to announce that the doctor believes it was a false alarm!!!! I had my drain removed last week and things are really on the up. I am still quite tired and I have to work on my strength, but things look good so far. I will be back to the every 3 month scan to monitor the situation. I still cant believe it. I was so convinced I was going to die. I still might, but not too soon I hope! Only about 15% of us remain cancer free after 3 years (the number doesnt really drop too much after that!) so I have another 22 months to go before I really let my guard down. But I will continue to enjoy myseld and bask in life. Hans has been really great throughout this and I cannot imagine what it would have been like without his support.

I am back in my Swedish class for 3 hours everyday. Hopefully I can get to the point where I am not so nervous speaking Swedish. The next chance to take the national test will be in June and I am determined to take it then so I can move up to the next level which is for professional people. I will need to pass at least two more national tests if I want to work in a museumm or university.

Hans and I bought a lovely little 2004 Nissan Micra, bright red. It is too cute and has a happy little design. It is perfect for us and the cat and is small enough that even Hans can parallel park it.

We are hopefully getting another cat at the end of summer. My sister just picked up a stray and brought it home. Apparently it is very friendly and social despite living in a cat colony. My mom had it neutered, vaccinated, and microchipped and the paperwork for its transatlantic move has started. I know it is crazy to move a stray cat from the US to Sweden,but I never do anything the way I should. He is beautiful and I will try to post a picture of him soon.

I like hospitals

Sorry for not posting. I have been in and out of the hospitals for a bit. My external drain is causing problems, but I feel that for now it is sorted out.

Doctors are still not sure if the cancer is back. I have had CT, MRI, PET scans, swabs taken of the bile duct and bloodwork. Everything comes back with mixed results and 2 interpretations. Liver specialists in NC, Scotland and Sweden are all stumped as what is going on. I do have to be difficult dont I?

I have met with the liver team in Gothenburg and we had a wonderful discussion. Bad news is that one of my lymph nodes doesnt look normal, which could be a result of anything. Anyway, Dr. Rizell was great. I may be back on the transplant list, but he wants more tests and information. I will head back to Gothanburg soon for a tissue sample of the bile duct and possibly of the lymph node as well. He seemed more interested in the bile duct. I asked him about oncologists as I completely hate and do not trust mine and he was all about getting me a new one. I told him I am 33 and dont want someone to sit around and follow statistics because 1) the statiscts arent that good and 2) there are no statistics that are relevant to a 33 yr old who had a liver resection. He agreed and said that he would want to go experimental on me. Go ahead and do the standard chemos, but use "blockers" and other things that appear to be helpful (even if it is only 5%) in other cancers. I have found the doctor what will fight the fight with me and all I can say is it feels wonderful. The only way I can describe it is like when I met Professor Garden in Edinburgh (the surgon who removed the 1st tumor). I felt so comfortable and I knew that everything that could be done was going to be done...complete trust. I feel that way about Dr. Rizell.

Prof. Garden has emailed me about the scans and reports I sent him. He says that there is evidence there had been a stone, but the area is still worrying. I asked if he thought he could remove the tumor and he avoided the question (as did Dr. Rizell!-they are frustratingly good at it) The interesting comment he made was that twice he has gone in for a second surgery. Once he could do nothing because the cancer had spread far beyond what the imaging had shown. Once he did nothing because it wasnt cancer at all. Even the damn anecdotes show 2 possible outcomes!

Besides from the whole cancer thing, I am trying to live my life as normally as possible. Hans and I are looking to purchase a newer car and so we have been out test driving. Almost anything is better than our 1984 Opel Asconda. I am also progressing in my Swedish class. I missed my test twice because of being in the hospital. The third time I signed up to take the test, I got sick again and was back in the hospital. Luckily, my doctor gave me a two hour pass so I could take a taxi to school and sit the exam. Everyone was laughing at me for doing it, but I am so happy as I passed with 89% and am now in the higher level class. It all worked out which is great.

An inspiration

When Hans and I were on our honeymoon this summer in Greece, we came across a very old church in the middle of nowhere. It was being somewhat restored and beautiful icons and candles where still housed inside (along with a bag of human bones!) Outside, there was this magnificant olive tree. It was so old and you could see that it had been cut down, split, and sick throughout its life. Yet, it still lived and thrived-even continued to produce olives. I loved this tree. I see hope in this tree. I hope, like the tree, no matter what gets thrown at me, I continue to live and thrive and show my wounds and scars with such grace.

Typical Day

I spent a slow day at home for the most part. Hans called me and invited me for a lunch date. Fixed my hair, slapped on makeup and headed into town for a very nice lunch at a small local place. I did a little shopping, but 50% off is just not good enough for this Jurgens girl. So, I will wait a couple of weeks and pop back in the stores again.

I had my drain flushed at the regular doctors office instead of the special one opened over the holidays. The nurse was appalled that the bandage had not been changed since the drain was put in 10 days ago. I really didnt think about it, but she is insistant that everytime I go in to have the drain flushed, the bandage should be changed. Will keep that in mind. The drain is still a little uncomfortable, more so today since she really had to work to get the old bandage off. I have a small pain in my liver as well. She says not to worry, it is normal. I have no infection and everything else looks good in relation to the drain. Hopefully my scans will come back negative and the drain will be removed.

Keep me in your thought and prayers. I am still hoping for NO cancer.